Bob Vila called...

I love my wife. She is an eternal optimist, especially when it comes to my handyman skills. Time after time she gives me these "easy" household projects that the normal male should be able to complete in no time and without stress. I only end up letting her down over and over, and we both end up stressed out. Now I realize my wife did not marry me because of my "Bob Vila-like" quality. Actually, I think it was more my "Bob Barker-like" qualities that she found attractive. You see, I never get people calling me to help with their plumbing or carpentry, and there is a reason for that. When Home Depot says, "You can do it; we can help," I usually reply, "no, I can't". Please don't send me any nasty e-mails telling me to be more strengths-based, or that I just need to believe in myself. I do believe in myself. Part of believing in yourself is knowing what you CANNOT do. If you want an aria from Handel's Messiah sung, I can do that. You need guitar player your band, give me a call. You want a strongly worded letter in defense of your cause, I'm your man. You want a new window installed, I have a friend who is a contractor.

The problem is that I really want to have some of those handyman skills. I enjoy watching "This Old House", "Home Again", and the myriad of other home improvement shows on television. Those shows make home improvement look so easy. It's not. For instance, there was the time my wonderful wife wanted me to hang a border in the nursery before our first daughter was born. I didn't bother to read the instructions because it was border, how hard can it be. Thus, I missed the key phrase "cut into manageable pieces". I tried to hang the entire roll at once by myself, and it was a disaster. My mother-in-law was in town during this event and to this day, she still says she has never seen me as mad. I don't use profanity, but I did make up a few words and let them fly with vigor.

Then, today, my lovely wife asked me to strip the caulk out of our bathtub and replace it. Most guys would be able to handle that in the time it time it takes for Chuck Norris to catch the bad guys on an episode of "Walker, Texas Ranger" and still have time to see him roundhouse kick the bad guy at the end. Me, on the other hand, ended up breaking three tools, making a mess, and using a few of those made up swear words. I will also be calling someone who knows what they are doing for help, which is what I should have done in the first place. But, in the mean time, I will have to shower in our girls' bathroom, because our tub doesn't have any caulk around the seams.

In spite of my home improvement woes, I take solace in the knowledge there is one project which I am actually quite good. I can hang and mud drywall with the best of them. I don't know why the good Lord gifted me with this skill, but he did. Beyond that, however, I will GOLF for food!

Peace.

Bill